Friday 9 PM, woke just up after sleeping almost 5 hours. I do not understand. Why? What makes me behave like this? I do sleep long nights (usually 8 hours) and I sleep well = no nightmares, no waking up at four AM. Belive me, I know that side of sleeping rythms as well. I do work hard. I use my brain solving things and get things done at work. Usually when I leave my desk after 8 or 9 hours of work I feel like I have accomplishd something during the day. Cases have gone forward and I have had good conversations w/ my colleagues.

Lately I have had hedaches in the afternoons and evenings. But not the kind I had then, when I was chewing too hard my theeth together as I was concentrating. That got my forehed totally wired. This is more like fuzzy letters on keyboards and exess sensitivity to colours and movements. I seem to have hard time focusing. Went today to eyeware shop to make sure that my classes are as they are suppoust to, and yes, those are ok. It's not there the problem or the solution is. So no work or eyeclasses are the problem.

Am I depressed then? Things seem to do have a bit too little meaning in itself. The apartment is a mess. The möksä is a mess. My clothes are a mess. Still I just look and say "so?" Palle's foot has been packeted in the last 4 weeks. First in cast and now in supportive plastic shoe. I did not take too well the "role of single provider" of everything. To begin with, I was shocked to notice how little nursing instincts I have. I do not work well in the garden if the measurement is how well you follow the orders of the man sitting under an umbrella having his foot propped up to an another chair. But that's no news. He never seems to be satisfied w/ my garden work. He tries to pressure me by saying how he is ashamed, what do the others think. Funny that after 14 years together he has not noticed that the opinion of other's, specially of those in the Brunakärr gardening society, have litte effect to motivate me. And even less if I feel bit down like I seem to be now. And about him being ashamed about it- I feel just pity that one lets things like that to pressure oneself.

When I try to motivate myself to do things, the point of view is pretty much how much I enjoy seeing it in order or other aspects of giving joy to myself. It is not that I would be totally selfish. Partly, yes. Too bad for Palle. His wife gets home and falls asleep for 5 hours and then she might be awake for a while before falling asleep for another 7 hours. But after that she carries the stuff from the car to the flea market table w/ joy. Who belives this?

PS. Slept well after writing this. About 11PM to 6.30 when it was time to go to the fleamarket. Helped Palle but came to Möksä to take a nap of 2 ½ hours. And fell asleep again at 10PM. What a Saturday!